Tired and Bored

By Darwin, it was a long night! The internets was out! So, I occupied myself by watching stuff I had previously downloaded and not watched yet. Including an awesome movie called "Another Earth". Then, when 0630 rolled around, I got the bill paid, and now, here I am! Back on the interweb! And just as bored...

So, I think I may go with my brother today to Springfield, MO, to drop my niece off with her mom. I'll miss her these next couple of weeks.

Other than that, I don't think I really have much to say. I'm tired. I hope he leaves early so I can sleep in the car on the way up. If not, I may be staying home to sleep.

~~Tired is the new black, and I'm like an emo goth Samm

Nerd Humour for the Selective Crowd

So, I just made a lot of new webcomics on StripCreator. The link is in a previous post, so I'm not going to repost it. Because I can. Lazy bastards. Also, I've decided to try and keep this up. I promise it all the time, so I wouldn't get my hopes up.

So what have I been doing lately? Well, I'm working on my CCG. For now it's just called Gladiators, but that is likely to change. I have 90% of the rules written down in a Word document. I am currently working on some basic card layouts to put in the document so people can see what I am talking about. This will take awhile, because I'm lazy and I'm not very efficient as a graphic designer. But then! I will come up with a couple of decks for my friends and start the Alpha Test. See if my rules, and my game in general, even works. Then redesign, retest, repeat as necessary. Maybe by this time next year I will be ready to start finding someone to donate some art for the cards and release the whole thing online. Then, maybe, one day, I will be able to make it into something I can sell. Who knows? Dreams and fantasies, fantasies and dreams.

Well, I'm off to each some lunch and see if there is any TV recorded that I can watch, or grumble that I have nothing, come back here, download something, and not watch it for another couple of days. I know myself well.

~~Captain, there is a strange lifeform here. He says he is Samm, and he has come for our women.

The Adventures of Link

Boy, am I tired. Finally finished with all that past blogs shit. Here's two links, enjoy

http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/KorruptedHarmony By me. Read them, then make your own. And no, that story has no basis in reality, except for the fact that I had a cat named Tigger 2.

http://www.angelfire.com/indie/abstractthought/index.html A website by me about things I think. Click on the pentagram to navigate.

Sleep now, Dream Warrior.

~~Freddy won't know what hit him when Samm rolls into dreamtown.

PS
I wrote this before I went to sleep and thought I hit the publish button, but I guess not. So, like, the timestamp on it isn't accurate. Not that you care or it matters, I guess.

New-Bodhisattva on LiveJournal

OK, so this is the last one that I know of/could find. A single post in 2007. Enjoy.

•   100 Proof Pessimism, And Keep It Clean; or, Defeatism, On The Rocks, With A Twist of Lime

  First, let me say, my calves are fucking KILLING me. They feel much like I have walked many a mile, when I know I haven't. I haven't even had charley horses lately, which leaves them sore as well. Was it alcohol, weed, or shrooms? Maybe a combination thereof? Or is it something different? The flu has been in this house recently... So much for unanswered questions. So, because I have bills to pay, I won't be able to buy Final Fantasy Tactics: The Lions' War. Which, just so you know, is the only reason I bought a PSP a few weeks back. So I think I shall return Wild Arms 5, UNFINISHED, to GameFly and get FFT: TLW instead. And speaking of bills...I NEED A ROOMMATE! Note: Roommates.com sucks. At least for me they do. Bastardos. I do not want to go back to work. I hate that feeling. Not that I like work in the least, but I needs moneys. Unfortunately my friends total SLEEP during the day (much like I do, but so what) so they can't take me job-hunting, and I'm not about to start bussing it to job-hunt, because that totally doesn't work. All I want to do is build computers for a living. Physically put them together, install software, and that's it. That would please me immensely. I would settle for (not over-the-phone) computer repair, computer set-up, or salaried/non-commissioned-pay computer sales and/education. Non-commissioned because I am NOT a salesman. And if I wanted to work and be broke I would be a civic volunteer. Teaching computer classes wouldn't be that bad either, though I hate old people. All people really, but old people especially because they have this idea that they should be all respected and worshipped as wise just for being born in a'foretimes. Fuck that. And they smell. Old people smell is nasty. Benji better quit bringing his libido drama into my house and fucking all sorts of shit up. I don't want to be hunted by big black men and J was my friend first and The Game must not be ruined. Any of The Games. * I only wanted what Angel had. * And with that, adieu. Fare thee well, and die before you piss me off. HA Haa! Contradiction. My heart has followed all my days/Something I cannot name. ( ~Don Marquis ) ~~Samm! Flavour of the Moment:  discontent Audial Penetrations: Rent - Seasons of Love

Word.

~~Suck it, Trebek!

Eagle Mountain Nest on BlogSpot

This is from a group I am a part of. Three posts, nothing fancy.

• MONDAY, JANUARY 8, 2007

  So, being unemployed and relationshipless, I am granted with alot of time to think. Which I do plenty, because I can't shut it off. And time and again my thoughts loop back to a certain number of topics. Over the years, these change. When I was younger, it was school, religion, and girls. As I grew older, money, religion, and girls. Anymore I have given up on caring about school or money, with the exception of trying to find a job, and religion is just boring and confusing. Things happen, end of story (though I still don't understand the whole "blindly following someone else"). Girls are just as confusing as religious people, and I've given up on thinking about them as well. Just gives me a headache. So now I'm stuck with the problem...what to think about? I think alot about entertaining myself, but with movies and video games, I don't have to worry too much on that. So now I am stuck without anything useful to think about! I started this little blog without anything to really say, and it looks like I've accomplished that.
  
  Is it a weak mind, a weak will, a desire not to be alone, or a fear of the unknown that drives people to religion? A can't understand the kind of person that would so blindly follow something such as religion. Very recently, these past few days, I have been thinking about this as I played Neverwinter Nights on my PC, because in many of the scenarios religion plays a factor. Anyways, my mind is wandering, so that's that for now.
  
  "Well, it's a crazy fucked up world and we're all just floating along waiting for someone who can walk on water, man." ~~Heroin Bob,SLC Punk!

• FRIDAY, JANUARY 12, 2007

  Bodhisattva

  I have decided that I will become a Buddha in this lifetime. I will transcend the human frame of mind, evolve my brain past that of Homo Sapien, and achieve true Enlightment. I may even get one of those knobby things on my head like Siddhartha did. (Siddhartha being the last Buddha.)
  
  I am doing this for many reasons. All of which I will gladly share with you whether you want me to or not. (Knowledge is power though, so technically, I am making you more powerful by imparting previously unknown knowledge on you, so you should be thanking me.)
  
  Tax breaks. Religions get tax breaks, so if I use my superior intellect to form a religion of sorts, we all get tax breaks! All meaning me and my Disciples and Prophets (more on that later).
  
  I get to teach without having to go to school and get a piece of paper saying I am legally able too. Because, you know, I love to teach (spread Enlightenment and empower the powerless), and what better to teach than how to think for yourself?
  
  Groupies. That's right, groupies. Men and women willing to do whatever I ask of them. You know you want groupies too, so don't act all shocked about it.
  
  Celebrity status. Just look at the Pope or the Dhali Lama. They are famous just for being figureheads within their respected religions. Which leads too...
  
  Money. Lots and lots of tax free money. Kinda like a tele-evangelist without the sleeze. And the fake healing of people. I call it "religious profitteering with a conscience".
  
  So, many of you may be wondering, "But Samm, isn't this just basically what cult leaders do?" And to that I have to say...yes, yes it is. But the difference between them and me? No poison Kool-Aid. And I'm not claiming to be Jesus. Just a Buddha. The only second coming we are concerned about in my teachings are the ones mentioned in sex jokes. (Think on that a second, it will come to you.)(no pun intended)
  
  As I have stated previously here, the one thing I cannot comprehend is how people can blindly follow another without thinking for themselves. I cannot wrap my head around a concept such as blind devotion. Except maybe to a lover, but then you are just asking to be cheated on. So the Teachings of Samm are pretty damn simple. Don't believe what I believe, believe what YOU believe. Find Enlightenment where you will, how you will, when you will. Don't let others tell you what to think, not even me. In fact, if you are even listening to anything I say, you don't belong in my religion. I could go on to explain my own spiritual path, but that is like a series of blogs all on it's own, and I don't even understand half of it.
  
  And now comes the fun part. Disciples and Prophets. You have heard these terms before, I know you have. But in my teachings, they may be alittle different. Disciples are simply my entourage, my closest groupies who I am willing to share the fame with. And all my marketing manangers and PR people will be in that group. Don't alienate those that work for you if you expect them to do their job right. Prophets, on the other hand, are what I am going to call my priests or what-have-you. Prophets spread the Word of Samm to those that want to be in my religion. Currently I am taking applications for both positions, so you can just email me at korruptedharmony@yahoo.com for more info or to tender your app. If we get this off the ground now people, it will give me more time to get to that whole transcending thing, and plenty of time to get crackin' on that tax shelter stuff. Not to mention the money. Lots o' money.
  
  So stop being sheep for other religions and join my flock! (That should be my logo...) I will turn you all into stubborn self-thinking goats before long. Though, considering this group, most of you are that already...
  
  ~~Samm! the Bodhisattva (look it up if you are curious)
• The Nature of Perfection
  More times in my life than I care to try and count, I have heard the phrases "Strive to be perfect." or "I'm looking for Mr./Mrs. Perfect." or any other phrase involving the word perfect. So now it is my term to talk about perfection.
  
  Perfection sucks. (Didn't expect that one, did ya?) Oh, Samm, details? OK!
  
  The nature of perfection is a state of unchange. It is a state of stagnation. The way of nature is change. Life, death, rebirth, the circle of life. Molecules gather to form something living, it dies, it decomposes, those molecules go to form something else. These are all states of constant change. Even inanimate objects, like rocks, are constantly changing due to weathering and erosion and what have you.
  
  Let's look at it from a socio-political-psychological standpoint. For this we will create a nation. We will call it Unstam (get it?). And this nation needs a home, so we will place it upon a planet full of other nations. So we have a planet full of diverse and interesting people, some of which are part of the nation of Unstam. Just for the hell of it (and because I may need it in a bit), we will name the other nation Costsa. Unstam started out like any other nation of people. They were nomads, discovered fire, invented the wheel, developed agriculture. Fastforward to a post-industrial/pre-nuclear era, circa 1925. Unstam is at the top of it's game. They are the leader in all areas of advancement. They have the best medical, they have the fastest vehicles, all that good stuff. Now, the leaders of this great nation look around, decide everything is just about perfect, and erect this giant dome covering the whole country. Isolated. No one coming in, no one going out. They become a Communist society. The people are told what to think, what to do, how to live. And they are happy. Because everything is perfect.
  
  Jump ahead 50 years (to about 1975). Due to unforeseen circumstances, the dome has to come down. Something with polution or weaking ultrastructure or something like that. Unstam is now in the world eye. The society that was once perfect reentering the world arena. But they are entering a world far advanced from them. While they were away, Costsa became the world leader, taking up the mantle of innovator. They have discovered how to split the atom, they have a man on the moon, they've done the whole "Age of Aquarius" thing, free love and all that. They are a truly enlightened nation. And poor ol' Unstam, still dancing the Charleston and driving Model T's. They were perfect, they saw no need to change, thus they became stagnant.
  
  The nature of perfection is counter that of the nature of nature.
  
  So, in conclusion, I don't want to be perfection. I want to be imperfect. I want to look in the mirror every day and decide, "Hey, it's time for a change. I need to better myself." Because the moment I decide I am too good to be better, I have confined myself to be stagnant and to let the world pass me by.
  
  ~~Samm! the Imperfect

One more to go. Wheeeeee!

~~Samm I am, no I do not like green eggs and ham, but it's much better than spam, which is a tasteless sham.

KorruptedHarmony on MySpace

<insert intro here>

• June 12, 2005

I Am Not As Interesting As People

I have been observing a weird phenomenon many of these past years, and I never understood *what* I was observing until today, when I made a startling and not all-that-amazing conclusion.

First, the phenomenon...People lead interesting and exciting lives. In the most mundane of tasks on the most mundane of days, the most mundane of people will have one of those moments where something astonishing happens. The kind of thing where one just steps back and goes, "Wow, that is amazing/exciting/interesting/astounding!" Some funny moment, some inspiring thought, some fantastic conversation...just something completely not-mundane.

Second, my revelation...I am not as interesting as people. Even then I have one of those sparkling little wonders called a Life, my most fantastic adventures are nothing more than mundane stories of possibly higher interest than that tale of washing your hair or brushing your teeth. Hands down, the most exciting moment or astounding revelation I have had to date would be this one, which isn't even all that amazing (thus proving my point).

Now, I know what you are saying. "You make your own excitement. You have to go out their and grab life by the neck and shake it until something falls out." But even when I do try to have exciting wonderful moments, they end up paling in comparison to those I read about. And when you try too hard, things just end up more meaningless. "You have to see the truth in your actions and stop living vicariously through the actions of others." But as I examine these actions, the quirkiness and excitement are not there like in the tales of others. And if I don't read others' words for excitement, how will I know when something exciting happens to ME?

Maybe I'm just mental ill and self-deprecating. Or maybe I really am the least-interesting person to grace the expanded multiverse. Who knows, and more importantly, who cares? *shrug*

~~Samm is the Truth, the Knowledge, the Power, and the Way. Or just someone who is bored and fancies himself something fantastic.
• June 14, 2005

The Art Of Degrading Your High School Classmates

So my mom is going to pay a former classmate of mine, Anna, to come clean the house on a weekly basis, since even when I work my ass off I can never do it well enough. The problem with this is that I have to wake up at 0830 or so because she will be here at 0900. Since I am a lazy bastard, and rarely wake up before 1200 (well, I don't go to bed before 0500 most mornings!), this makes for a harrowing morning, to say the least. If she weren't a liar and a thief, there would be no need for me to wake up. *sigh* I guess I should sleep. Nothing to do anyways, except watch The Tick and play GuildWars. Wait...that sounds awesome. Well, I'm off to play GuildWars then!

~~Samm, Because I Said So 
• June 15, 2005

My Eye Is Throbbing

My left eye is throbbing. It hurts like a motherfucker. I'd gouge it out if I thought it would help any. And the infection on leg has started hurting. Which it hasn't before now except when applying pressure. And I missed my herbalism meeting tonight, because I didn't have a ride to Ft. Smith. I really wanted to go. Why am I so bitchy, you ask? Because my mom and stepdad are coming home soon. And that means I will get yelled at and bitched at and probably told how worthless for not working or driving and blah blah blah. ugh...I get indigestion just thinking about it. *sigh* I would love it my eye throbbing was the biggest of my concerns.

~~Samm is my hero.
• June 19, 2005

If I Set Myself On Fire, Would I Be A Flamer?

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11.Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this on your blog would you like me to answer it?

Would YOU:
Give me your number?
Watch a movie with me...even a really sappy one?
Let me take you out to dinner?
Drive me somewhere/anywhere?
Take a shower with me?
Listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
Buy me a drink (a coke or something) if i didn't have money?
Take me home for the night?
Would you let me sleep in your bed?
Sing car karaoke with me?
Sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
Give me a piggyback ride?
Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
Oh man, those survey things were all the rage way-back-when. *sarcasm* The formatting is funky there.
• June 23, 2005

Everything I Do, I Do For You

That's right. Everything I do, I do for you. I don't post for me. I have to put it with my own thoughts enough. No need for me to have to read them too. Moving along...what do you want to hear about today? uh huh...uh huh...well, I'm not talking about that, so I'll just talk about...umm...juice boxes! I love juice boxes. I love juice. I really have no point to this post, except me wanting to post. How many people actually read this mindless dribble? Nell is the only one I think. My mind's telling me no...but my body...my BODY...is telling me yes. What the hell? I hate R Kelly. *hits the next button on WinAmp* I hate when my friends hide crap in their good music and then I end up stealing the crap with the good. *sigh* My brother is going to move soon. Then I will COMPLETELY alone in this house. =\   I need a roommate. And a girlfriend. *double sigh* Someone to ease the pain of loneliness gripping my heart in death-cold vise. But I might as well wish for 2.5 million dollars. I'm more likely to get the money anyways. And then I could pay to have my emotions surgically removed so I wouldn't care about things like love and intimacy. I feel like crying now, so I'm going to stop thinking about this shit.

I love you, those who read this.   ~~Samm E Cason Jr
• June 25, 2005

I Do Not Fear Death

I do not fear death, but I do fear dying. And I think I am dying. I am afraid.

I find it harder to wake up each day, knowing nothing awaits me but a day of internet and television. The banality of it is likely to drive me insane. "But Samm, why don't you go out and do stuff?" I live in the middle of nowhere, I don't drive, I don't like driving, and the last 3 times I tried to pass my driving test I got so tense and nervous I failed (once almost flipping the car). And there is nowhere to go in Sallisaw anyways. I could go hang out at the Wal*Mart, whoop-de-fucking-doo. I slept 12 hours today, and still I feel tired and bored and lonely. This place is killing me, like it has tried to so many times before. It creeps up on me slowly, like a cat on an unsuspecting mouse. I fear that I will die if I do not leave, but I have nowhere to go.

I want to lock myself in my room, and do nothing but sleep and eat. No computer and no television to give me hope, to let me glimpse the lives and loves of those both real and fictional. That is a world I can not have, why must I torture myself by looking in upon it?

If I knew I could do it without fucking it up, like everything else in my life, I would do so and end the anticipation of everyone in my life.


Depression sucks, and so do you, with your bright and sparkly lives.  ~~Samm E Cason Jr
• June 30, 2005

I Could Love You If You Would Love Me

時々暗闇は誰も私がここにありことを私が知っているので、私をおびえさせるではない。私を囲んでいれば孤独を理解したら意味を成す暗闇の訪問者を望む私は理解する。

If you can read that, it probably doesn't make sense, but I love playing with Babelfish translator none-the-less. I've been playing Google Seppuku, but I can't lose. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, or I just can't combine the right symbols. Then again, there are also few things can gross me out. But still, I've been getting pictures of pets and road maps and landscapes. What the fuck? Exactly. One of my earliest combinations though got me the term "Middle Ages". 中世  I was rather suprised. Other words I have gotten: shoes, consequence. I'm sure there were more, but I can't remember them at this point.

I always find cool things to listen to on my WinAmp. With something like 6800 tracks, I always find a hidden gem or something I didn't know I had. This morning, I rediscoveredAlien by Orange 9mm. And I love that Numa Numa song that kid danced too. And Under the Milky Way Tonight by The Church. I discovered that song watching Donnie Darko(great fuckin' movie). If you watch it, it's the song after Donnie and Gretchen come down from his room during the Halloween party. It's a rather...I can't think of a word really...gothic? Kinda I guess. But it always reminds me of that scene in Donnie, about the only one where both Donnie and Gretchen are truly happy and are in love, and it envokes in me a sense of, well, contentment and love.

Another song I'm really into currently is Summerholiday vs. Punkroutine by Refused. I'm really loving this song. "I'd rather be forgotten than remembered for giving in." Shit you can groove too.

My eyes are starting to water, which means I am growing tired and should sleep. First I have to go dig out a book to read to help me sleep. I want to play Magic, like back in the old days. And I want to be back at the Chesire Cat and playing some good ol'Dungeons & Dragons with the old group. But we must not live in the past, but rather take care of our present. But do not look to the future, or you will miss what is in front of you now. I wish happiness and love on all.

私を傷つけ、これのために死ぬ。
~~In a future life, you will meet a Samm and remember back to this moment, when you had your chance, and wasted it through inaction.
I don't know what any of that kanji or whatever means. Ignore it.

And there we go. The better half of June, 2005. And fancy formatting with bolding and italicising and what have you. And jiffy titles.

~~And even jiffier Samm endings.

AbstractThought on Xanga

So, this is my second Xanga "webjournal". Much of the same stuff. Again, published when I was still a wee babe of a man. Again, more whiney emo bullshit, from my "blue period". Again, big grouping of many different posts. Nothing really new. ...ONWARD!

• Tuesday, January 04, 2005

  Some Things Should Never Die (Like This Xanga) Here I am again, back and posting. I miss these theraputic rant sessions. They keep the thoughts and emotions from building up, from boiling over. Xanga is my headshrink, to whom I spill all I can't say otherwise.  Yes, I am back. It has been awhile, but seeing as how, occasionally, someone might accident upon this page, such as you, dear reader, I might as well keep it up and post on it.  The Facts (as of now): 1) I am no longer in college, as I hate it and should have never gone back, which I plan on never doing again. 2) I am unemployed, but will be working as my mom's secretary as soon as she opens her tax office. 3) In late April/early May, with the $1500 I will make working for my mom, I am going to move to Tulsa, get a job, and live on my own once again. 4) I am single, but hope to change that fact when I do move to Tulsa, but until then, I am taking applicants. Just email your resume and a short essay as to why you want to date me to korruptedharmony@occultmail.com.  See, even with my whole "growing up" and "planning", I still have my sense of humour. Oh my, did he say growing up and planning, in reference to himself? Why, yes I did. Scary, ain't it? Don't worry, I don't plan on changing much. I will still have my childlike wonder and outlook, my sense of humour, my not-being-seriousness, and all that, but without the bitching and having an actual job and being responsible and all that crazy stuff I don't really want to do but will do so that I'm not stuck rotting here in my mom's house until the end of my days.  Right now, I am sitting here, smiling to myself as I listen to music and think about Haley, who I just left a comment for on her Xanga and hope with all the hope in me (and that is quite a bit) that she remembers me and wants to be friends and all that. I know I'm not the best person to be friends with, as I am unreliable and all that jazz, but I'm changing. I am not afraid of change. I embrace change. It just sucks when I say I am going to and end up not doing, but not this time, damn you! With love, dear reader, I depart, for now.  End, as all things must.

• Wednesday, January 05, 2005

  Change Is A Good Thing After All So here I sit, tired and about to go to bed, but feeling the urge to post once more. So I have a nice going to bed song,"Under the Milky Way" by The Church, on repeat and I'm posting for you, precious reader, my sleepy thoughts. I was having trouble posting here, on Xanga, with Internet Explorer, so I decided to download Netscape Navigator. It is so much better, I love me for doing this. IE, you suck, NN, you rule. I don't think anything else has changed/happened, so I don't really have much to say. A few thoughts I guess, but nothing major. This song reminds me of the movie Donnie Darko. In fact, the first time I heard this song was watching that movie, and thus the reason I downloaded. And thinking about the movie Donnie Darko makes me think of Jena Malone. She is such a talented actress, and absolutely gorgeous. I would love to meet her in person, to sit and talk with her. She gives off this sense of being an easy person to like and get along with. *sigh* But I'm just being a silly little boy with a Holy Wood crush. I'm half-considering finding her fan club or whatever and writing a letter. At least I might get an autograph out of it. Probably not, but oh well. This brings up a good point. I have a very active imagination, and I live out alternate lives all the time. Fantastic lives, even in their simplest forms. Like the whole writing a fan letter to Jena Malone. It must have been the other day as I lay half-awake when I first thought of being a little fanboy and writing a fan letter. I ended up fantasizing, as it were, of her actually reading the letter and us becoming penpals. And that is a simple alternate life of mine. I've daydreamed of things from being penpals with a famous Holy Wood actor to being the toast of Tinseltown and all the famous people being my friends and asking me for my autograph and all that. Overactive doesn't begin to describe my imagination. Well, my cat is laying here half in my arms, half covering the keyboard, slowly slipping off the desk into my lap, and that means it is bedtime. Tucker commendeth, I obey. Sweetest dreams, beloved reader. Until the next time we meet, I bid you adieu. I think about the loveless fascination Under the Milky Way tonight

• Wednesday, January 05, 2005

  Bitch, Whine, Moan I am so fucking cold right now, and bored, oh so bored. All my XBox & computer games, been playing them for over two weeks straight, all my DVD's and LaserDiscs I've seen, and the DishNetwork is shut off because of the waste of money that is involved with the "christmas" holiday. My shitty internet connection prevents me from playing my beloved Counter-Strike, which I now have a legally purchased and working CD-key for. Oh, and I'm cold. Really really cold. But I'm lazy. I don't want to start a fire. I don't want to fight with my dog, trying to keep him out of the house while I haul filthy wood in to put in the stove, or have to deal with the upkeep of the damn fire to keep it warm so I don't freeze, not that that will really fucking matter seeing as the fucking thing will only warm the damn living room to any noticable degreee! With the money my step-dad makes, they could easily afford to put in central heat & air. Yes, I'm bitchy and pissed, but then again I can't feel my fingers or toes, and those are covered in socks and shoes. I can't wait to move into civilisation, instead of this ass-backwards hillybilly lifestyle I'm stuck in. I guess I'm off to start a damn fire.

• Wednesday, January 05, 2005

  When I'm Bored I Find Weird Things What Kind of Geek are You? Name DOB Favourite Color Your IQ is very high You are a computer geek Your strength is you actually have social skills Your weakness is electrons You think normal people are strange Normal people think that you are satanic This QuickKwiz by owlsamantha - Taken 165570 Times. New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice! And I thought I was just joking when I said others thought me satanic.

  My weakness is electrons? I don't think that makes sense...
• Wednesday, January 05, 2005

  Boredom & Lists So, I am feeling better. I started a fire, so I am warming up, and my sister is to deliver me food. Not that I don't have food, but the food I have, chicken and ramen noodles, I have been eating for a month and half-straight (minus the bit of holiday feasting for the 2-3 days we traveled for Xmas). Anyways, I'm bored still, which isn't that bad of a thing, in all truth. But it does mean, dear reader, that I am going to bother you endlessly. <insert evil laughter here> Since I spend so much time listening to music, which I am doing right now, by the way, I thought I would list, like, a bajillion bands, so you get a better understanding of what makes me...well...me. Green Day; Nightwish; Elvenking; Tool; Metallica; Snoop Dogg;  the Crüxshadows; the Cure; Toad the Wet Sprocket; Candlebox; Silverchair; Tonic; Battlelore; Incubus; Seven Witches; Sopor Aeternus; Shadowsphere; My Chemical Romance; Coheed & Cambria; the Music; Cannibal Corpse; Gin Blossoms; Helloween; Jet; Thy Majestie; the Killers; Tenacious D; Candlemass; Senses Fail; My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult; Three Days Grace; the Bilge Pumps; Angel Witch; Less Than Jake; Underoath; filk from Khaos; Final Fantasy OST's/remixes; Stovokor; Stone Temple Pilots; Blink-182; Sublime; Westside Connection; Weezer; Taking Back Sunday; Rhapsody; Iron Maiden; Hot Hot Heat; Huey Lewis and the News; Hammerfall; Filter; Current 93; Blind Guardian; the Cult; Culture Club; Deep Forest; Enya; Blind Melon; Aretha Franklin; the Ataris; the Aquabats; video game music/remixes; traditional Irish/Scottish/Celtic/Japanese/Chinese/Indian/Bolivian/African music; Garbage; Peter Gabriel; movie themes/remixes; South Park; Atreyu; the Voilent Femmes; Weird Al Yankovic; A New Found Glory; A Static Lullaby; A Tribe Called Quest; AC/DC; Acid Bath; Ace of Base; AFI; Alanis Morissette; Alice in Chains; Alien Sex Fiend; Alice Cooper; Soundgarden; Apoptygma Berzerk; America; Atreyu; Stevie Ray Vaughn; classical (Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Wagner, etc.); Bella Morte; Bauhaus; Bad Company; Barry Manilow; Better Than Ezra; Billy Idol; Generation X; Big Tymers; the Bloodhound Gang; Cake; Bon Jovi; Butthole Surfers; Bush; Buffalo Springfield; stuff from other cartoons; Broadway; bluegrass; CellDweller; Caroline's Spine; Bowling for Soup; Christian Death; Chicago; Xmas music; the Rat Pack (Sammy, Frank, Dean); Clannad; the Clash; the Sex Pistols; Coal Chamber; Corpus Delicti; Coolio; Counting Crows; Cradle of Filth; Credance Clearwater Revival; the Dandy Warhols; the Darkness; gaming comedy (the Dead Alewives, etc.); Dead Can Dance; Dave Matthews Band; Demons & Wizards; Deine Lakaien; Depeche Mode; Slipknot; Static-X; Dishwalla; the Eagles; the Scorpions; Dropkick Murphys; Elton John; the Eels; Elvis Presley; Eminem; Enigma; NWA; Faith No More; the Foo Fighters; Gene Loves Jezebel; Goldfinger; Gordon Lightfoot; Gorillaz; Grave Digger; Guns N' Roses; Jim Croce; Hoobastank; INKUBUS SUKKUBUS; INXS; Ice Cube; Ice-T; CKY; Moonspell; the Mission UK; Life's Decay; Jimi Hendrix; Jonny Lang; Kansas; Kid Rock; KoRn; Lacuna Coil; Lake of Tears; Led Zepplin; Def Leppard; Letters to Cleo; Lock-N-Load; Lords of Acid; Love and Rockets; Luciano Pavarotti; Ludacris; Lynard Skynard; Manic Street Preachers; Manowar; Marcy Playground; Marilyn Manson; Marvin Gaye; Duran Duran; Deep Purple; Modern English; Morbid Angel; MuDvAyNe; My Dying Bride; Star Trek and Stargate series/movies scores; New Order; Dire Straits; Nina Simone; Nine Inch Nails; NoFX; Nothingface; the Offspring; Simon & Garfunkel; James Taylor; Peter Murphy; Placebo; Poison; WASP; Ratt; White Snake; Polaris; Powerman 5000; the Presidents of the United States of America; Puddle of Mudd; Queen; Queens of the Stone Age; Rage Against the Machine; Audioslave; Rammstein; Rancid; Operation Ivy; Red Hot Chili Peppers; REM; Saves the Day; Sevendust; Simple Plan; Sir Mix-A-Lot; Sisters of Mercy; Slayer; cowboy music; pirate/sea shanties; Spitalfield; Sponge; Staind; Jefferson Airplane/Starship; Stephen Lynch; Steppenwolf; Superdrag; Sugar Ray; Switchblade Symphony; System of a Down; the Temptations; the Four Tops; the Commadores; Tears for Fears; Temple of the Dog; ThouShaltNot; Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers; Daemonia; Tori Amos; Trans-Siberian Orchestra; Type O Negative; Van Halen; VAST; the Verve Pipe; VNV Nation; Voltaire (Oh My Goth!); White Zombie; Rob Zombie; the Donnas; Will Smith; Wumpscut; Zebrahead; Dovetail Joint; the Goo Goo Dolls; the Cranberries; ZZ Top; Wolfsheim; Nick E. & the Nightmares; Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds; Swarf Sisters; Bap Kennedy; Army of Halfwits; Andi Sexgang/Sexgang Children; Television; the Stooges; the New York Dolls; Iggy Pop; Velvet Underground; Nico; Patmo Sheeran & the Belfast Survivors; Beki Bondage; Blondie; E-Clypse; Tiamat; the Folksmen; Spinal Tap; the International Noise Conspiracy; 3rd Root; the Rasmus; the Smashing Pumpkins; Savage Garden; Iced Earth; the All-American Rejects; the Doors; Gothminister; And Also the Trees; Alien Ant Farm; Abigor; Blackmore's Night; medieval/Ren. faire music; Jethro Tull; Graveworm; MXPX; Pink Floyd; Black Rebel Motorcycle Club; the Misfits; Oasis; Jeff Bridges (yes, the actor); the Beatles and their solo careers; Wings; Afroman; Unfinished Thought; Simple Minds; Bachman-Turner Overdrive; 3 Dog Night; 3 Doors Down; Aerosmith; Nirvana; Jimmy Eat World; Vomitory; Bone Thugs -N- Harmony; Soda Ash; Tom Waites; the Wallflowers; Burt Bacharach; Lou Bega; Orgy; Carnivore; Black Tape for a Blue Girl; Ozzy Osbourne; Black Sabbath; Bal-Sagoth; BLESSEDBETHYNAME; the Church of Selene; Therion; Reel Big Fish; Chumbawumba; Strapping Young Lad; Our Lady Peace; Norah Jones; Ill Nino; Steve Earl; Nelly; Hootie & the Blowfish; Treblinka; TLC; T-Bone Burnett; Splendora; Satyricon; the Morgans; Skalette O'Hara; Minor Domestic; Gary Numan; Shroud of Tears; Clan of Xymox; Local H; Black Funeral; Foghat; Devo; Pitchshifter; Smash Mouth; Live; Gary Jules; EVITAGEN; Jesus Jones; the Spin Doctors; David Bowie; Covenant; the Eurythmatics; Eve 6; Mandragora Screams; Lostprophets; Fall Out Boy; Burning Brides; Evanescence; Prodigy; Semisonic; Psychopomps; Black Flag; Mudhoney; the Youngbloods; Sister Hazel; Seven Mary Three; Diary of Dreams; Gobblehoof; Girls Under Glass; Taproot; Godsmack; Ben Folds Five; Days of the New; Fuel; Big Electric Cat; Black Atmosphere; Brotherhood of Pagans; Children on Stun; Rosetta Stone; Ex-Voto; Executive Slacks; Fahrenheit 451; Midnight Configurationl; the Wake; 45 Grave; Gitane Demone; Ikon; Kommunity FK; Mephisto Walz; Nosferatu; Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry; Screams for Tina; Two Witches; Usherhouse; Queensryche; Fat Boy Slim; MC Hammer; Dog's Eye View; Steeleye Span; Spineshank; Nile; Bile; the Vines; the Hives; A Perfect Circle; Dio; Drain STH; Third Eye Blind; Tiger Army; Reverand Horton Heat; Cypress Hill; Pressurehed; the Swans; the Unicorns; Cocteau Twins; Morrissey; Souixsee and the Banshees; Survivor; Foreigner; Jane's Addiction; Porno for Pyros; Bob Marley; Ziggy Marley; Frank Zappa; the Rolling Stones; Ch'Uwa Yacu Bolivia Told you I would list a bajillion bands. And that is only a small list, in comparison to what I don't have on my playlist. Yeah, that was pointless, but it wasted a few hours and I wasn't bored when I was doing it. Now is food time, my dear reader, and your humble narrator is starving. But he will return, I promise. If you read all of that, I'm sorry you are so bored, both from before, the reason you read it all, and after, from reading it.

  A bajillion bands, yo. And the list has expanded in the last 7 years. Scary.
• Thursday, January 06, 2005

  I Loved You My Lady My lady D'Arbanville why do you sleep so still? I'll wake you tomorrow and you will be my fill. I love this song. It's originally by Cat Stevens, but the version I have is by Minor Domestic, off of some compilation album. I don't really have anything to say. I just wanted to say that. But since I am here, I can probably talk about something. I'm starting to feel like shit again. I was feeling better for a few days, but my sinuses are draining, and just the simple act of breathing causes me to start coughing. My mouth has a metallic taste in it, I can't breath through my nose, and my throat and chest hurt from coughing. And my head as well. Which causes my eyes to hurt. I know I'm bitching, but I have a reason too dammit! I'm sick, even though it is nothing more than a cold. I wish you could cure colds. Actually, what I wish is that my mom would get her ass home so I can go into town and buy some of that cold and sinus Tylenol or something, and get some cough syrup, and all that good drug-ness. All this coughing, I feel like I'm going to puke, and my throat feels tight even though I have stretched out the neck of this shirt so that it isn't even touching my neck, and I'm keeping my head tilted up so that my throat is more open. I should go to sleep, so that I am nice and warm snuggled under my blanket. I've taken to sleeping in the recliner. I sleep better on my back, and if I am in a chair, that assures I won't roll onto my side during the night. It's hard to sleep on my back on just a bed unless I have, like, twenty pillows surrounding me, or if I sink into an underinflated air mattress. I have sleep apnea, when not sleeping on my back. I know that doesn't make sense, but if am sleeping on my side or stomach I will wake up 5-10 times a night, sometimes short of breath. And I dream less when sleeping on my back. Or rather, I don't remember my dreams as much. And my snoring is less likely to wake me up. Yes, I wake myself up with my own snoring, but that is mainly when I am sitting at a desk or something, sitting up and falling asleep, in other words, or when I am only half-awake/half-asleep. Wow, I'm turning out to be more and more of a catch the more I type. <insert obvious sarcasm here> Ok, really, I'm going now. I only hope I feel better in morning, and you as well, dear reader. Even if you are doing excellent, it is always good when things get better, and no matter how awesome things are, things can always get better. With love and wishes of well being, I depart. Guten nacht. This rose will never die...

And there is part 2 in my "Blogs of Yesteryear" posts. Early 2005 in the span of 3 days.

~~This Samm will never die...

TruthInYourEyes on Xanga

Before I get to the posts, I just thought I would say that these are some really emo shit. Blergh! And rather than doing a lot of separate posts, I'm going to do one REALLY long one. Massive. So, here goes. Also, these are unedited and presented as they were originally posted, so there are spelling errors and etc. in them.

• Thursday, October 03, 2002

  Well, this is my first entry. I have so much to just say...pleh. I think I will start with a little poem. In my Mind's Eye/We Dance to the Song of my Heart/Spinning and twirling in Time to the Music of the Soul/Holding each other in a Lover's Embrace Heh...yeah...That one is just a dream. Most of my new poetry is based on dreams or daydreams or hallucinations. Let's see, you probably want to know about me, huh? Well, my name Sammy Edward Cason, Jr., born on the 11th day of March in the year 1983. I'm a Pisces (moon and sun) and a Boar. I'm approximately 5 foot 4 inches tall, have plain brown hair, and green hazelish eyes, as Haley called them. I was born in Columbia, MO, was forcefully moved at age seven to Sallisaw, OK, and despite little half-year excursions here and there, am still living there. I have one full sister, one full brother, one known half-sister, and four unknown half-siblings, all by my dad. I graduated high school and spent a semester in college before dropping out. I design t-shirts for a living. I play the bass guitar, drums, and keyboard/piano. I paint, write poetry and prose, and put together collages. I love to play games. Board, video, computer, RPG, CCG, card, dice. Music is my life. Absolute. It's like my religion. I can't do anything straight without music. Speaking of religion, they call me godless, and that I am, for I choose not to believe or disbelieve. My best friend is Haley, for she knows how to make me happy. Brit isn't too bad either, and I am sure you will read many entries about my attempts to be her friend. I have two dogs, a black lab named Buddy, and a dalmation named Vic. I have a cat too, named Tucker, but I call him Tuxedo. My favourite band: TooL, favourite song: All Apologies by Nirvana, favourite movie: Stand By Me, favourite colour: dark pine green, favourite book: The Hobbit. There will be more one day, when I'm not tired.

• Saturday, October 05, 2002

  Well, I have broke my pact already. But fear not! I was so sick yesterday that I couldn't even sit up. I even puked. So I have a valid excuse to not make an entry. Why didn't I get on after I was finished being sick you ask? Because I was still sleeping off the headache and fever, until 630 in the morning. At least I am apologising to you now, Dear Reader. Poetry Time! I just come up with this stuff off the top of my head at the moment of writing me 'journal' entry, so please excuse it if it is crappy crappiness. Bicker, Bitch, Moan and Cry/I hurt myself and I don't know why/Bleed on the floor, bleed on the bed/If you hadn't have saved me I would be dead/Confusion and tears, wide-eyed stares/After all this time someone cares/Now you are my angel with the wings of a dove/And to you I now declare my undying love Ehh...I'm good at writing crap. If you care to dispute this claim because you think I write good, my email address is KorruptedHarmony@occultmail.com and you can instant message me at either harmonykorruptedon AIM or korruptedharmony on Yahoo!. A good friend of mine used to make lists on her livejournal (those bastards now charge, but I have Xanga, and I am ten-times happier) and, since I loved the movie High Fidelity, I will start making lists on this site. Yep, I am a freak. TOP FIVE REASONS TO BE ALIVE TODAY                  5)I'm no longer sick.                                              4)Did enough work (designed enough t-shirts and liscense plates) that mom/boss bought me a webcam as a bonus.                                                          3)Getting to show off said webcam.                         2)Onimusha 2: Samurai's Destiny on the PlayStation 2 *drool*                                                               1)Getting to talk to Haley and/or Brit later. Favourite time period: Feudal Japan. Favourite line of games based on a historic book: Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Favourite game at the moment: Onimusha 2: Samurai's Destiny. Well, my day was full of designing t-shirts and liscense plates for people, so it was quite boring, except that at the shop I have a TV and a PlayStation 2 and I spend most of my time playing games or watching DVD's. Ummm...Haley is on now, so I will close by saying what I always say when closing. Sweet dreams.                ~~Samm

• Monday, October 07, 2002

  Yes yes. I know. I missed yesterday...again. But I had good reason. I was talking to Haley. Ok, some of you might not think that is a good reason, but I sure as hell do. Grumble all you like, onto the poem. Fear above me, in me, on me./Fear around me, through me, holding me./We have nothing to fear but fear itself./But when fear is all we have, fear it we must. That makes no sense and has no basis in reality whatsoever, but it is what came to my mind so I typed it. Let's see, what happened yesterday? Well, it was so boring and meaningless, except for the time I spent with Haley online, that I have forgotten completely about it. So onto today. What did I do today? Well, it was so boring and meaningless, except for this time I am spending with Haley online, that I have forgotten all about it. Except for the part where I sat down and got to the last boss on Onimusha 2. Yeah. So, I will just...umm...make a few top 5 lists and write a poem or two maybe. Yeah. Stupid hiccups. My head hurts now. <B><I><U>TOP FIVE REASONS TO MAKE TOP FIVE LISTS</B></I></U>   5)They are funny. 4)They are fun. 3)They pass the time when I am bored. 2)They make some people feel good about themselves, especially if they are on the list. 1)They pass the time when I am bored. <B><I><U>TOP FIVE GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERIES MADE BY ME IN THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF</B></I></U>   5)EVITAGEN 4)Bella Morte 3)Soda Ash 2)Celldweller 1)INKUBUS SUKKUBUS Delicate she dances/On the waves and in the clouds/Lithe and fair/Angelhair and porcelain/Beautiful, she dances/Wonderful, she dances To love you/To hold you/My greatest thrill/To have you/To be yours Some of this stuff doesn't make sense, but then again, the inside of my brain is like...umm...a cluttered desk. Or something like that. Behold my love/Realise my pain/Inside the hurt/Through the shame Wow, I am a bloody treasure trove of...something. heh... Yes I am jealous/He steals your attention/Your affection/I am not him/I am not perfect/But I love you all the same/Yes, I know you love me/But I still feel left out/When you find someone new/Someone better/Someone that isn't me Hidden faces/Hidden loves/Secret wishes/Secret whispers/Shall I tell you/Shall I say/You are my friend/You are my fantasy/I love you more than I do say/I love you more than words could say/Dreams of what cannot be/Dreams of what should not be/Haunt my dreams/Haunt my thoughts/I want to be with you/I want to do more than just hold you/I want to love you/I want you to love me <u>(Do not worry Haley, this isn't about you dear. Don't freak out, it just came to me.)</u> Well, that last one drained me. Until next time Faithful Reader, sweet dreams, and my your life be as happy as I pretend mine is.    ~~Samm

• Friday, October 11, 2002

  Sorry I haven't been posting. Even more sorry because I won't be back until Monday. Post then and tell you ALL about it. Loves!          ~~Samm

• Sunday, October 13, 2002

  Well well. It has been like 4 days or so since my last post. I'm not even going to attempt to recount everything since then, since I don't know exactly when then was. I can recount some of this weekend, but it kinda sucked, so not much to recount. And, no poem this time. My well is dry, and it was a long stinking weekend. Well, it all started Friday morning. We (meaning, me, step-dad, his mom, and my mom) packed up a mini-van with stuff and drove to Byars, Oklahoma, which is like a 3 hour drive from my place. I had to ride in the van with "grandma" and her two stinking (literally) little dogs. So I just turned on the Edge (104.5 FM out of Tulsa, playing today's best in rock, and really annoying to old christian people), mainly just to annoy her, but also to try and keep her from trying to talk to me. And I slept also, so the radio WAS just to annoy her. Mom and Rick rode the Harley. I mean, it was a biker rally we were heading for. So we finally get there, and set up. It was hella cold and windy. And only got worse all weekend. So, Friday night, and nothing to do. Listened to a band, curled up in my one man tent on the hard ground, woke up with bruised sides and back. Still hurts to lean against things. Anyways, Saturday, there were bike games. I was DJing, playing classic rock, which I like. At night there were two more bands, a tit show, and I again slept on the ground in a small tent. Bruises made worse. Stupid fucking preacher woke me up early Sunday morning with a loud ass portable PA. I'm camping away from the stage next time. So, after christian services they wake me up and we pack the van and leave. We stopped for lunch, and I'm finally back home, after three more hours of sleep in the van. Hi! I'm back! Some revelations I made this weekend. I hate "grandma" and her stupid ideas AND the thought that I am going to participate in them. I miss talking to all my online friends that had to go back to school in the fall. I should never turn down free alcohol. I hate christian fanatics, especially "grandma" and the bastard CMA's who get in for free at bike rallies. I mean, I'm a vendor, so yeah, I get in free, but just because you are christian you get to also? What about the pagans? And yeah, I'm going to organise an all pagan bike rally, NO FUCKING CMA'S! That's all for now. Sorry for the anti-christian sentimates, but hey, we all have to have something to hate. Loves and sweet dreams Constant Readers. I'm out. ~~Samm

• Saturday, October 26, 2002

  Good point Haley. Why did I stop writing? Well, who knows. But I will start writing again. Yay! New news. On Monday past, I got four piercings. Yep, four of them. Once in each earlobe, on the outside edge of my right eyebrow, and my labret. Makes it a little difficult to eat, drink or speak, the labret piercing that is, but it was what had to be done. If you care to try and understand this, anyone but Haley that is, just ponder the words Primative and Tribal. That is all I am saying on that. What else? Um...got a cool concert to go to on Halloween Night, after an auction at which I will finally get the drumkit I need to start playing. It is EVITAGEN, with my good friend Matt Kelly singing. Also going to be there are about five other bands, including, I believe, Chasing the Sphere, which includes my old high school/college buddy Mark Hart on bass, and Chris, another high school class mate, on vocals. Going to be a great show, tell you more after it. I'm also hyped about all the upcoming moster/horror movie marathons coming up on all the channels. If I haven't said it before, I am a huge fan of horror movies. I particularly love to find and watch cheesey b-side vampyr movies. I mention this movie only because that this is the crappiest vampyr movie ever and I weep to say the name but it is a perfect example of cheesey b-sides...Razorblade Smile. *dies* I almost regret watching that movie at times. Another type of movie I like, zombie/gore flicks. *sigh* Enough about movies. I will get my share of them soon enough. I've been emailing lately a British female that I shall name only as Pixie. A wonderful person, to be sure. What else? Well, I don't know. When I think of something new, I will tell you. Some pix of me, showing my *new* piercings! ~Samm

  And there were pictures there, but they aren't anymore.
• Wednesday, October 30, 2002

  Oh, thou sadistic bitch BOREDOM! Yes, I am so bored. Bored, bored, bored. I am hungry...for something. I know. I want to go to Chili's and eat plates upon plates of their tortilla chips and salsa... *drool* Oh! I made my stomach rumble! hehe...that's cool. Suggestions from me: book- The Tao of Pooh. movie- Free Enterprise. Why Free Enterprise? Well, if you are a fan of Star Trek, you will love it, if you are a fan of old movie (and comic, music, etc.) quotes, cliches, and trivia, you will love it. And it has William Shatner perusing porn and getting drunk. Yeah! Enough of that. My piercings are doing good. The plate of my labret spike feels weird when I drag it across my gums. Ok, back to Star Trek. How many people actually read my webjournal. Not many now, but hopefully more in the future, which will be the past if you are reading this in the future...whatever. Now, I love Star Trek. Alot of guys do. But what about females? How many females out there do? Now, the perfect girl would love Star Trek. Why? Because Star Trek teaches us life's lessons if a format that is enjoyable and exciting. It is a mixture of future hopes, ancient wisdom, and modern philosophy. WHY CAN'T FEMALES GRASP THE INTRECACIES OF STAR TREK!!!!! To most it is just a stupid sci-fi fantasy for frothing fanboys, legions of unwashed, uniformed, pointy-eared, head-ridged geeks. End rant. Next thing to talk about...um...Hi Columbia. Paula, if you are reading this, this isn't the big shout-out I promised. That will come. I just have to say hi to my patron city. Nero didn't help my CD burner problem. I hate my CD burner. It won't write. It says I should change media on the Nero website. *sigh* My Feelings on Love and Relationships: by Samm E. Cason, Jr. ~ They suck when you aren't in them, they suck when you are in them, but then again, I wouldn't know because I've never had one. ~End~ I said it before and I will say it again. Damn I'm hungry. I miss Record of Lodoss War. I am just rambling now. Hey! IM me will ya? AIM: harmonykorrupted    Yahoo!: korruptedharmony email: korruptedharmony@occultmail.com ~~Samm~~

• Monday, November 04, 2002

  Well, even though it was small, the bar, and it was boring, with no mosh pit, the Samhain concert rocked. Matt, my friend who is the singer for EVITAGEN, got attacked by some drunk chick. *snicker* Not much happened Friday, that I remember, but I have a bad memory. Let's see...other cool stuff that happened this weekend. I made new friends online to role play with. My mom took me to Game XChange in Van Buren, and I bought some new Sega Saturn games, Dark Saviour and The Mansion of Hidden Souls, and put a Sega Game Gear, a magnify screen for it, a carry case for it, and four games for it in layaway. Yay! Brings me closer to my goal of collecting all the gaming systems of the world. I love playing games. Am I a lazy bastard you ask? Yes, yes I am. And damn proud of it. But then again, I'm good at it, so why not? Exactly, so shut your trap and go about your normal life in the sun working for a living while I delve deep into a video game fantasy world! hehe...what else to say? Oh yeah, a big extra-warm'n'fuzzy hug to my bestest friend in the ever and ever, Aimee. I don't think I have mentioned her yet in here, but she has been around with me for the past 7 years or so, and I finally get to go visit her in NYC this Christmas! *filled with joy untold* I love you Aimee! And I love you Haley! And I love you Brit! And to you, Dear Reader, I love you too. <3 Now that I have used up my reserve of warm'n'fuzzy-feelings this week, I bid you farewell. Hug someone today and everyday, as often as possible, and sweet dreams.              ~~Samm

• Monday, November 18, 2002

  I am now going to say sorry to all of you Constant Readers (that means Haley and Brit) for not posting in a long-ass time. Yeah, I'm a bastard. But, I will now tell you why I haven't, and it is a good reason...well, part of it is. So, what are your reasons, you ask? Well, I've been working on my webpage on all my online time. That's right, an actual webpage. But, since I am a lazy bastard, it isn't even 10% finished. That means, I haven't been on that much. Wow, you think! Yes, I haven't been online, so I am almost breaking that dependency, but I am still on the computer...playing Baldur's Gate II: The Darkest Day (an unofficial mod for BG2). NAUGHTY BOY IGNORING YOUR FRIENDS TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES!!!!! *whack!* But, I am back. Ok, what's new? Well, I am going to change my ear pieces to black line ball captives. As soon as I get a labret spike, well, one that isn't a nubbin' (like the last black line spike they sent), I will be changing that too. I like black jewelry on my face. Shush you two, I like my piercings and they look good. I got my Game Gear out of lay-away! Portable Sega Gaming Goodness... *drool* I will be going to New York in December to see my bestest buds Aimee and Vika. Then to Missouri until tax season to hang out at the Cheshire Cat. Then, if I get uber-lucky, I will be going to the British Isles in the summer to hang with the Pixie, my little Brit friend. Or she may come to the States. Hope she doesn't. I mean, it would be cool if she did, but I wouldn't wish the stupidity of our nation on anyone. What else? Nothing much I guess. GAMING TIME!!!!! I love you my friends, and may your dreams be as bright as the midday sun and as happy as the laughter of a thousand children. *muah* There you go Haley and Brit. Enjoy this until the next time I post or we talk.

• Wednesday, November 20, 2002

  I hate my computer! Ok, I go to trade in some PS2 games that I don't play anymore so that I could get a new computer game. Which I did. Vampire: The Masquerade - Redemption. It's an AWESOME RPG set in the World of Darkness. You get to play a vampyr blah blah...all the usual stuff. I get home, really excited and all this stuff because I love this game and never owned it, just played it briefly. Install goes good...well, I messed it up the first time by accidently kneeing open my shitty CD-RW and closed it again, but after that, it installed great. So there is that. So it's on my system, the opening movie runs, I go through the whole first sequence without any problems. I'm running around in the chapel and all this jazz. I step outside to go to the next area and DAMMIT!, my video card isn't up to ops and can't render anything beyond the status bar! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SAMM SMASH!!!!! Hence, I hate my computer. That is all.

• Thursday, November 21, 2002

  *sigh* Life is boring. Of course, we all know this. But most deny the fact by living "happy" lives full of rushing around and work and relationships. Since I don't prescribe to any of the above, I am forced to face the fact that life is nothing but the same boring stuff day after day after day. Then again, it doesn't help that I am stuck in the stagnant pool of my home, with nothing more to comfort me than a computer, TV's, gaming consoles, and cable. Sure, that's alot of distraction, but after...um...at least 5 years (minus the time I spent in school for some of those early ones) of the same thing, it gets...well, boring. I know, I know. It does no good bitching about it and I also know that you don't want to hear me doing so, but sometimes I just have to. It like a disease, one that forces me to bitch or I eventually explode all over some poor helpless wall and end up leaving my knuckles a bloody mangled mess that hurt even more than usual. *sigh* Well, what can I talk about? I haven't really done anything at all. I missed class twice because my mom has been tired of running around and didn't feel like taking me. Doesn't hurt that I encouraged her by saying I didn't mind and I could just make up any tests we had. But oh well, doesn't matter to me. I have been able to sleep and reflect. Dreaming alot too, though I can only partially remember the content of one. I remember the others, but just the fact that I was dreaming, not what I was dreaming about. Ok, I don't remember how the dream starts, or what the real goal of the dream was. But, I remember it involved this girl Rachael (don't know how she actually spells it), who went out with my good friend Jason in high school. They probably still go out. They both graduated with me, so that means they have been dating a good 5 years if they still are. Anyways, I always liked her. She was nice, actually talked to me and stuff, and she kept Jason pretty happy, so that is good. Anyways, the dream involved me asking her out and so we went driving around (her driving of course) and we went through like some haunted woods and shit and were being chased by something out to get me at one point, and I don't really remember anything about the dream except that me and her went out on this date and just drove around. I always liked her, but I guess I crushed on her too. I don't really remember doing so, but it must have been a pretty big crush to dream about her when I haven't even seen her since graduation. And the weird thing about this dream is that, unlike other dreams involving women (usually sex dreams. HEY! I'm a guy after all...), this wasn't sexual. We held hands, and I think actually kissed once, but it wasn't sexual. I hate dreams like that. What? I sorry I hate dreams that make me feel all alone and stuff. And that's what it did. It made me feel that I am missing something in my life. Something deep and meaningful, something that extends beyond myself. I'm pretty self-centered. Haley knows this, because I complain all the time. But I crave something beyond that. I want to care for someone other than myself. Yes, I love Haley and Brittany, but it seems that is all I can do, is say it and feel it. I can't express it, reach out and help them and hold them if needed. I guess that is what I am really missing here. Contact. I can care, but I can't care for, if that makes any sense at all. I don't know anymore. I just need to get out of here...

• Friday, November 22, 2002

  Why can't people accept the fact that I am a free spirit? Why do they insist on me driving and getting a job and going to school? Why can't I just be free? What is wrong with that? People want to be free. Yet, they conform themselves to society, living meaningless lives of work and oppression, ruled only by one thing, money. They fool themselves with notions of The American Dream, of gaining that which is pounded into us from youth. A nice home, a nice car, a nice family. They allow themselves to be ruled by goverment and religion, not giving the mind a chance to learn and grow. *sigh* Not that anyone will actually read this beyond Haley and Brittany, and even if they did, they would just argue instead of give my words an actual thought. May the world implode and let my misery end.

• Saturday, November 23, 2002

  I don't really have much to say, but to keep Brittany and Haley happy, I will tell you what little I have to tell. Yesterday, I spent 12 hours straight playing Vampire: The Masquerade - Redemption, and total was awake more than 20 hours straight. It is an awesome game, and if I hadn't promised people (that aren't even around) that I would be online talking to them, I would be in my room where I set up the other computer, playing V:TMR. Right now I am watching one of my favourite movies, Powder. If you have never seen it, I suggest it. It's an excellent movie. ummm...that's it for now I guess. I love you, Constant Reader, for reading my words, as stupid and mindless as they are.    Truly~~Samm

• Friday, December 20, 2002

  I know, I know. I haven't written in forever, and I lament said fact. But, moving on, I have little to say and much time to say it. Wait. Strike that, reverse it. Good. Great. Onward. I am on like a natural high. I FINALLY saw 'Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' for the first time. I had to, afterall, since I am going tomorrow night to watch 'LotR: The Two Towers'. It made me feel like I did when I first read 'The Hobbit'. I was, once again, a little kid, full of emotion, spellbound, savouring every image presented to me. I was in love with it, entraced and yearning for more. I think I will go find my copy of 'The Hobbit' tonight and read the whole thing, front to back, forgoing sleep for the wish of adventure, thrill and danger, love and loneliness, all in one. And I will dream, dream of the day my adventure comes, that glorious story of my own. Now I am sitting here, listening to Dave Matthews Band, intolerant of my slow KaZaA download speed, waiting for Enya. Now, don't give me that look. I have loved Enya's music for a long time, but having my CD collection stolen, not once, but twice, I have no choice but to download it after LotR reminded me why I loved her music. "I watch you there through the window and I stare at you wear nothing but you wear it so well." I started downloading Dave Matthews last night after I realised that metal just makes me sadder. DMB is just such a different set of emotions. I guess it is just depression, but lately my moods and emotions are just all over the place, as they say. I want someone...something...to hold onto, something permanent, more than just the shifting sands of my daily life. I need to feel loved. I need to love. I feel as if my life is empty, without meaning. Like sailing on the vast ocean with no desination. I just float by, watching everything through a veil, watch others live for someone or something. I want that, but I seem not to grasp it, as my fingers close about it, it is like a mist, gone without it ever really being there. A dream within a dream...

• Saturday, December 21, 2002

  Could you take my picture? Because I won't remember. Filter spoke these words, sang them in a song, and I feel them, believe them. I feel as if I am crumbling away, falling apart, falling down, like sands in an hourglass. And soon, oh so soon, nothing will be left. So, take a picture, so you can remember me like this, not as that which I am to become, for I will remember none of this to tell you later. I just left a comment on Haley's Xanga site that was composed entirely of REM lyrics (in case any of you read it and wondered...), but I believe it fits. Song lyrics have the tendency to do that. As does poetry. Unfortunately I have lost the spark, and can not write poetry. I just grasp for it now, if I even care to attempt, where, at one time, it flowed from me as readily as my tears do. Does it hurt? Yes. It's like having an arm ripped off, except you can still function without the creative spark, and you HAVE to continue functioning, knowing that you don't have it. But I have no emotions, no thoughts, no life. It is no wonder I have lost the spark. It should only be reserved for those that can wield it responsibly, and I kept it locked away and bottled down until *poof*, it is gone. And now, as I fight a losing battle I have no wish to participate in, against the dreaded daemon Depression, I feel the need to express myself, and there is nothing there. The fire is gone, the words will not come to me. I have failed myself. The last let down. How much longer do I have? I count minutes as though they were days. I miss you Snuggle Bunny. And I want to talk to you more Brittany. You make me smile. I love you both, with all the love I have left to give. To all those I love, Blessed Be. To all those I know, Blessed Be. To any and all, Blessed Be.

• Sunday, March 30, 2003

  Here I sit, like every other day, same as always. But now...ah! I have returned to write in my supposed webjournal. Maybe I just haven't lived since Dec. 21st, 2002. hmmm... Made some new friends! Yay! First on the list is Lupe, a friend I met while trying to cyber-pounce Haley. And I guess that's it, now that I think about it. Everyone else was already a friend. Or was at one time and now is again. Something like that. Went through an engagement. Yep. Turned out bad. Was nothing but a headache and ended in failure. Then again, I always did suck when it came to impressing the opposite sex. pleh... New poetry? Hardly. Most days I'm too lazy to lift a pencil, much less write. And all I think about all day is nothing and failure, and failing at nothing, which isn't the same as succeeding at everything, but I fail at doing nothing, which is pretty bad if you ask me. Recently got some good news concerning a girl I have crushed on awhile. But as for that...we will wait to see if anything developes before I write more. As for this war? Me and Cody will be Canadians if this drift starts up. Damn American politicians and their wars of revenge. I don't like war and I will not participate, and you can whine and bitch and moan all you want about me not being American, and about how if I live in America and want to enjoy it's freedoms I should fight for that, but this war is not about defending freedoms. That was the American Revolution and the Civil War. This war is about nothing more than us showing off, just like the whole bombing of the al Quidda was about revenge. Enough said. Do not bitch to me about this, because this is how I feel about the senseless war. If you want to die a meanlingless death, go ahead and sign up before you are drafted and quit yer bitchin'. As for me, Canada is looking pretty nice. I always did like snow. Blessed be to all, and to all sweet dreams.

And that is the end of that. I would have been...19 for all but the last post, which was after my birthday, so 20 when I posted it. A lot of bitching and moaning and obvious mood swings. And depression. Such a lovely shade of blue. And lots of Haley. I miss Haley. Let's see, what else? I can't think of anything.

~~Samm is All, Samm is Everything, at least where this blog is concerned.